Temptations to My Celibacy
I received this email and decided to give an open response
I'm facinated by the dedication of people like yourselves to a life of celibacy in order to serve God. Particularly as you are surrounded by many who like you serve God without the restrictions that celibacy place upon you.I serve as a minister but have the support and love of a wife and family, and feel a deep sense of compassion for those who are dedicated to the teachings of a denomination which preclude such relationships for its clergy. If this lifestyle was clearly prescribed by Scripture then I could process the notion a lot more easily but I must confess that I struggle to see how people can adopt this lifestyle on the basis of what is essentially a church tradition rather than a spiritual imperative. Do you still after all these years accept the Roman Catholic premise of celibacy for its priests? A priest once told me that he totally agreed with the suggested reform of allowing Catholic priests to marry but he had left it too late and had become too idiosyncratic in his ways to adjust to livign with someone. I work in chaplaincy with a number of Catholic ministers who are married. They are not called priests but by and large they perform [in chaplaincy] the role of a priest. Your thoughts?
I was very young when I entered the priesthood. A priest came to my school and passed around a photo of a very attractive charismatic man who was the founder of my order. I instantly felt an attraction to this man, with his warm handsome face. I think I wanted to be like him. I was a child then but that atttraction motivated my vocation. When I entered religious life, I didn't think too much about how the celibacy thing would work out but I was naively committed to it. I've always been very attracted to women and even now keep mainly women friends and almost always paint women in my pictures. And I have always kept a close relationship with a woman. The first one fell to pieces but when I was 40 and just coming out of a breakdown, I fell in love, truly fell in love, with a woman, a nun. This relationship developed [nothing sexual, just hugs and affection and companionship, I guess].
For the first 12 to 15 years I felt I would have married her. I wanted to be buried with her but then things took a turn. She was very career focused and influenced heavily by another nun friend of hers. She claimed I changed and maybe I did. I had another woman loving me, in her 20's at the time, while I was in my 50's. The temptation was there with here as she felt we were soul mates but I felt I couldn't betray my nun friend by entering into a relationship with this woman so we are still friends to date and nothing more, though she still tells me often how much she loves me and wants to have a deeper more intimate friendship. It's complicated by the fact that she is married and has several young children. She is an adorable woman and I don't want to ruin her life. I feel I don't have enough to offer her and soon she would regret any decision to make a life with me. I am nearly 30 years older than her.
I'm giving a very personal answer to a very academic question. I believe that priests should have the right to choose whether or not to live a celibate life. Jesus loved women. I love women. Because I am ageing I have to some degree become set in my ways but I ache in the heart for what I have missed out on. A wife, a child, a home. The woman I love tells me I deserve to come home after a long and stressful day at work to a woman who will whisper comforting things in my ear … not to a small room with with only my paints and few glasses of whiskey for companionship.
In my heart, I know I would have made a good husband but maybe I am too old to change my ways. And there is too much fear. I have always lived in institutions where I am fed and my basic needs are looked after. I tell myself that there is virtue in living out my celibacy vow but a bigger part of me sees the fear and cowardice in it. I don't know where my heart truly lies on this one. I have the opportunity not to be celibate and yet I am … why?
If I had my own home, things might be different for me. My dream is to have a private space in which to live by the time I'm 65. For all my work as a priest … I think days that I would spend in my own home would be the happiest of my life. I'm hoping I can achieve this with the charity of others. I have already had donations from generous people and feel understood. There is great joy in that for me. I do feel guilty and a bit selfish that I'm requesting donations for myself and not a good cause … it seems selfish. This is where my doubt about this blog comes in …. It's something I have to work through! The guy from the porn industry who donated to me told me to spend the money on something frivolous for myself … generosity from this man has been the best gift I received in years!
Again, apologies for such a personal response. My aim with this blog is to keep it personal, a journal of the interior.
I'm facinated by the dedication of people like yourselves to a life of celibacy in order to serve God. Particularly as you are surrounded by many who like you serve God without the restrictions that celibacy place upon you.I serve as a minister but have the support and love of a wife and family, and feel a deep sense of compassion for those who are dedicated to the teachings of a denomination which preclude such relationships for its clergy. If this lifestyle was clearly prescribed by Scripture then I could process the notion a lot more easily but I must confess that I struggle to see how people can adopt this lifestyle on the basis of what is essentially a church tradition rather than a spiritual imperative. Do you still after all these years accept the Roman Catholic premise of celibacy for its priests? A priest once told me that he totally agreed with the suggested reform of allowing Catholic priests to marry but he had left it too late and had become too idiosyncratic in his ways to adjust to livign with someone. I work in chaplaincy with a number of Catholic ministers who are married. They are not called priests but by and large they perform [in chaplaincy] the role of a priest. Your thoughts?
I was very young when I entered the priesthood. A priest came to my school and passed around a photo of a very attractive charismatic man who was the founder of my order. I instantly felt an attraction to this man, with his warm handsome face. I think I wanted to be like him. I was a child then but that atttraction motivated my vocation. When I entered religious life, I didn't think too much about how the celibacy thing would work out but I was naively committed to it. I've always been very attracted to women and even now keep mainly women friends and almost always paint women in my pictures. And I have always kept a close relationship with a woman. The first one fell to pieces but when I was 40 and just coming out of a breakdown, I fell in love, truly fell in love, with a woman, a nun. This relationship developed [nothing sexual, just hugs and affection and companionship, I guess].
For the first 12 to 15 years I felt I would have married her. I wanted to be buried with her but then things took a turn. She was very career focused and influenced heavily by another nun friend of hers. She claimed I changed and maybe I did. I had another woman loving me, in her 20's at the time, while I was in my 50's. The temptation was there with here as she felt we were soul mates but I felt I couldn't betray my nun friend by entering into a relationship with this woman so we are still friends to date and nothing more, though she still tells me often how much she loves me and wants to have a deeper more intimate friendship. It's complicated by the fact that she is married and has several young children. She is an adorable woman and I don't want to ruin her life. I feel I don't have enough to offer her and soon she would regret any decision to make a life with me. I am nearly 30 years older than her.
I'm giving a very personal answer to a very academic question. I believe that priests should have the right to choose whether or not to live a celibate life. Jesus loved women. I love women. Because I am ageing I have to some degree become set in my ways but I ache in the heart for what I have missed out on. A wife, a child, a home. The woman I love tells me I deserve to come home after a long and stressful day at work to a woman who will whisper comforting things in my ear … not to a small room with with only my paints and few glasses of whiskey for companionship.
In my heart, I know I would have made a good husband but maybe I am too old to change my ways. And there is too much fear. I have always lived in institutions where I am fed and my basic needs are looked after. I tell myself that there is virtue in living out my celibacy vow but a bigger part of me sees the fear and cowardice in it. I don't know where my heart truly lies on this one. I have the opportunity not to be celibate and yet I am … why?
If I had my own home, things might be different for me. My dream is to have a private space in which to live by the time I'm 65. For all my work as a priest … I think days that I would spend in my own home would be the happiest of my life. I'm hoping I can achieve this with the charity of others. I have already had donations from generous people and feel understood. There is great joy in that for me. I do feel guilty and a bit selfish that I'm requesting donations for myself and not a good cause … it seems selfish. This is where my doubt about this blog comes in …. It's something I have to work through! The guy from the porn industry who donated to me told me to spend the money on something frivolous for myself … generosity from this man has been the best gift I received in years!
Again, apologies for such a personal response. My aim with this blog is to keep it personal, a journal of the interior.
posted by Father Paul at 1:29 PM
8 Comments:
What a lovely read, Father Paul. Unable to sleep, I put "blogs" into the search engine and eventually came to yours. the piece on celibacy was touching. Please keep writing. As a former Roman Catholic, I find it refreshing to hear the man inside the priest speak.
Gary
gharris@lyon.edu
It is very touching to hear your personal accounts. It's very good to hear that you place your humaness out for other people who may be struggling with the same issues. It's good to hear your experiences.
Forgive me for being so blunt, but I just HAVE to ask...
Is a person really celibate if they masturbate? I mean, does one whack off to release the tension, or does one WAIT for a wet dream to induce release? Is a wet dream a 'sin'? I am unsure... Isn't guilt as an INDULGENCE a kind of SIN?! It would seem to be a special kind of wickedness as it poses as sincerity... yes?
Help me. I have a burning need to KNOW. I suspect my orgasm is just TOO honest.
I am in love with my priest who is 65, 30 yrs my elder. Should I pursue this?
I have a question for Anonymous, in the last post . . . what did you do?
I have similar feelings and I am not sure what to do. I can tell this priest anything. He fills a huge need that I have.
I have been in love with a priest for 30+ years and I believe he loves me. I send him E-mails nearly daily and I know he enjoys them. But, he has never responded to me. I don't like this 'one-way' communication. Is there a rule in the priesthood that a man cannot communicate with a woman? I know Jesus wants us to Love one another, priests included. No sex is involved. fact is, I hardly ever see him. But, I cannot understand why he will never respond to me. Do you have any guesses?
He is 64 years old and a monsignor. I am single and 71 years old. I want to stop the "relationship" but cannot, because I have ESP in which I constantly feel his thoughts of me. I also feel his sexual yearnings for me. This is unusual, I know, but it is not a joke. I don't know how to end this.
To the post on July 14. I can completely sympathize with you. I've prayed about it and have come up with this: It is so easy to fall in love with someone. Priests have to be extra careful to guard against this, for they have consecrated their lives to loving Jesus. That's probably the reason for not hearing any replies. I have the same problem.
This is the first time I have ever searched blogs on the web and yours is one of the first I came across. I was instantly intrigued.
I was raised in the Catholic church. After graduating high school I went to college and continued my participation in the church. As most college students do, I was searching for my true self and the Truth. I felt suffocated by the endless rules and many other things about the church. I no longer attend, but many of my moral values have come from and evolved from what I learned in the Catholic church. After being involved in the church for so many years, I have to say that I do believe priests should be able to marry and have families. This would not take away from their duty at father of their congregation but add to it. Like you say, you would love to come home to a women instead of just whiskey and paintings. I have met quite a few priests and all of them had a sadness in their eyes I could not place. Maybe this is a part of it? We are made to share ourselves with one another. The touch of another human being is healing. And not just the touch of a hand on the shoulder to pray for someone or a firm hand shake. I mean TOUCH. My husband and I both agree that our touch is simply healing to eachother. That in itself has gotten us through some really rough times.
To me, what we do to ourselves becuase a church teaches something is just plain torture. Why do this to ourselves? Freedom and happiness and joy are our rights as human beings to experience.
You said, "...tell myself that there is virtue in living out my celibacy vow but a bigger part of me sees the fear and cowardice in it. I don't know where my heart truly lies on this one."
If we are completely honest with ourselves, which can be very hard to do in some situations, we always know where our heart truly lies. Always. It may take a little searching and time, but if we let go then the truth is there. We must live our own truth. It is not good to ignore our true feelings. It is not good. This doesn't mean that the feelings have to be acted upon, but they at least deserve attention. Ignoring thoughts, urges, feelings, is truly one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. If a bigger part of you sees fear and cowardice in living out your vow of celibacy then, more than likely it is fear and cowardiceness causing you to follow through with it. In order for celibacy to even be considered virtuious it must first be seen as a good thing. If it is not a good thing for you then, there is no virtue in it. I am not sure what you fear by not living out your vow, but I have read from an author, Dr. Wayne Dyer, that fear is usually ego based. We Edge God Out. He says, "The animal, vegetable, and mineral worlds are always connected to their Source. They don't question their intention. We humans, however, with our capablility for presumably higher brain functions, have something we refer to as ego, which is an idea that we consruct about who and what we are." Ego beliefs, "I am what I do, My achievements define me. I am what others think of me, my reputation defines me. I am separate from God, my life depends on God's assessment of my worthiness"... This is the doozy... we are not separate from God. God is in us. The Body of Christ, we are all connected to eachother and to God. Read Dr. Wayne Dyer's books. "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life". "The Power of Intention" "Inspiration" We humans have created thoughts, beliefs, and things that are not quite right and it is time to move into a brighter future. Perhaps one without so much fear.
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