Hello, this is my introductory post and it's a little awkward for me because I'm not quite sure yet what I hope to achieve from this blog. Also, I have some kind of floating anxiety that, somewhere down the road, it might lead me into trouble of some kind but I'm going to go with anyway. My intentions are good!
I've titled this blog 'Confessions of An Ageing Priest' because, well, I am an ageing priest [63 and in denial … my sweet little heart thinks it's no older than 42!] and I do have much to confess [and will do so over time as this blog develops]. Why I'm choosing to confess it here, in this virtual space, to anybody who wants to listen….well, I want to present myself in all my humanity and perhaps give some insight into the interior journey of a priest's life. So much lies behind the collar, so much humanity, that is kept secret and buried for the sake of maintaining the ideal of 'priesthood'. I have fallen in love, twice! I have struggled to remain celibate during some intense moments. I've had drinking problems. I've been raped. I've masturbated. I have been loved by a woman 25 years younger than me and this is ongoing. But I have also reached out to many many people, have seen and helped individuals through enormous crises, have felt uplifted by my faith, have cried at hundreds of funerals, have married dozens of couples, have baptised many babies, have remained celibate. At best I hope to present the man in the priest that is me and hope that you won't reject me for this… maybe this is part of my fear. But maybe too there are others like me, each with their own variation of struggles and their won secret dreams to wander through at night.
Another thing I hope to achieve with this blog…. I've lived for 63 years, 57 of those in one form of institution or another. I haven't ever had a physical space of my own and have found myself over these past few years, dreaming a dream that all Irish people over the age of 55 seem to have … of a cottage near sea and woodland, with an open fire and a small light room to paint in ... Right now I live in box, with a lifetime of gathered possessions surrounding me … simple things like books and photos and small gifts that I've received. I lie in my bed at night and I see everything that I own within 6 feet of me, and my black box beneath my bed with everything that is most private stored in it. I worry about this box and what will become of it when I'm gone.
I paint in this small room in the evenings, while others sleep around me. And I suppose I am guilty of wanting something a little more for myself. I have some notion that this blog will help me achieve this over the next two years, in time for my 65 th birthday and the state pension! … I believe in the goodness of people and my own faith in them and if I can achieve enough donations through this weblog over the next few years, I will buy a cottage somewhere in Ireland and establish a trust for it. It will be my borrowed home, a taste of a life I haven't yet known!. I also have a notion that the home will have a book with it … containing a message from all those who have made a donation and made it possible … perhaps I'm being too idealistic and naïve here .. perhaps nobody will donate … the ideas is still young. Maybe there will be advice from some folks reading this on the legalities and so on or additional ideas … we'll see how it goes! I do like the idea of the book, though! I can see myself glancing through it on a winters evening.
Anyhow, enough for now. I'm sure some people will be angry with me or will have issues about what I write. Or will consider me selfish. I can only say my intentions are good and my motives sincere. I hope there are some too who will see this. Looking forward to sharing with you all!
Until next time ….
I've titled this blog 'Confessions of An Ageing Priest' because, well, I am an ageing priest [63 and in denial … my sweet little heart thinks it's no older than 42!] and I do have much to confess [and will do so over time as this blog develops]. Why I'm choosing to confess it here, in this virtual space, to anybody who wants to listen….well, I want to present myself in all my humanity and perhaps give some insight into the interior journey of a priest's life. So much lies behind the collar, so much humanity, that is kept secret and buried for the sake of maintaining the ideal of 'priesthood'. I have fallen in love, twice! I have struggled to remain celibate during some intense moments. I've had drinking problems. I've been raped. I've masturbated. I have been loved by a woman 25 years younger than me and this is ongoing. But I have also reached out to many many people, have seen and helped individuals through enormous crises, have felt uplifted by my faith, have cried at hundreds of funerals, have married dozens of couples, have baptised many babies, have remained celibate. At best I hope to present the man in the priest that is me and hope that you won't reject me for this… maybe this is part of my fear. But maybe too there are others like me, each with their own variation of struggles and their won secret dreams to wander through at night.
Another thing I hope to achieve with this blog…. I've lived for 63 years, 57 of those in one form of institution or another. I haven't ever had a physical space of my own and have found myself over these past few years, dreaming a dream that all Irish people over the age of 55 seem to have … of a cottage near sea and woodland, with an open fire and a small light room to paint in ... Right now I live in box, with a lifetime of gathered possessions surrounding me … simple things like books and photos and small gifts that I've received. I lie in my bed at night and I see everything that I own within 6 feet of me, and my black box beneath my bed with everything that is most private stored in it. I worry about this box and what will become of it when I'm gone.
I paint in this small room in the evenings, while others sleep around me. And I suppose I am guilty of wanting something a little more for myself. I have some notion that this blog will help me achieve this over the next two years, in time for my 65 th birthday and the state pension! … I believe in the goodness of people and my own faith in them and if I can achieve enough donations through this weblog over the next few years, I will buy a cottage somewhere in Ireland and establish a trust for it. It will be my borrowed home, a taste of a life I haven't yet known!. I also have a notion that the home will have a book with it … containing a message from all those who have made a donation and made it possible … perhaps I'm being too idealistic and naïve here .. perhaps nobody will donate … the ideas is still young. Maybe there will be advice from some folks reading this on the legalities and so on or additional ideas … we'll see how it goes! I do like the idea of the book, though! I can see myself glancing through it on a winters evening.
Anyhow, enough for now. I'm sure some people will be angry with me or will have issues about what I write. Or will consider me selfish. I can only say my intentions are good and my motives sincere. I hope there are some too who will see this. Looking forward to sharing with you all!
Until next time ….
posted by Father Paul at 8:49 AM
14 Comments:
Father,
I am not angry, nor do I think you selfish for creating the blog. Rather, I am reading over the blogs with an increasingly heavy heart.
You don't know why you created the blog, yet you created it anyway. Does this make sense? Of course not!
"I've been raped. I've masturbated." Come on, Father! With all due respect, I have to say this sounds suspiciously like some cheap but disappointing expose in Readers Digest. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Is there anything new or uplifting you might want to share with us? Souls are hanging in the balance, and we are engaged in vicious spiritual combat, and your solution as a shepherd of souls is to unburden yourself to an already burdened world.
Ahhh yes. Your intentions are good and your motives sincere. Does that cover a multitude of stupidities? Unfortunately, no.
That you have fallen prey to some fallacies of modernity is not as sad as the fact that you will now be sharing your follies with the rest of the world via the blogger. With the Church facing attacks from within and without surely you can see that your timing is, for lack of a better word, shameful.
I hope you will prayerfully reconsider what you're doing and keep your spiritual journey between you, God and your confessor. None of us finds forgiveness or peace on the Internet. Go to the Divine Physician for healing!
When you open yourself up to the world, you open yourself up to criticism and ridicule. If the details of my life read like a cheap and disappointing expose to some people, I can't do much about that but these are the facts that have shaped the person I am right now and having lived within the confines of the collar for 40 years with these facts hidden and kept to myself, I feel like shouting to the world, this is who I am.
I'm not looking for forgiveness or peace on the internet. I don't believe I need any forgiveness. I'm a good man who lives a good life. I don't hurt or exploit people. I do the best I can in my job as a chaplain and love my work. I have my emotional, sexual and psychological struggles but there are days when I have great peace. I embrace Jesus, in all his humanity more readily than I embrace the institutional church.
And I don't feel that what I'm doing is shameful to the church at this time. The church has its own shame and I live it everyday, feeling self-conscious when I'm near children, afraid to speak to kids, feeling tainted by the marks of abusive clergy. As for writing something new and uplifiting. There are hundreds of christian sites out there providing buckloads of upliftng. That's not what I want to achieve with this journal. I want to get beyond hypocrisy and reveal to those interested the life of the man within the priest, unashamedly reveal it.
Also I try not to judge people, but if you feel you must judge me for what I'm doing here and ridicule my honesty, I can't do much about that. From my point of view it's to be expected. But there are those who have some sense of where I am in my life and relate. I find strenght in that! After a lifetime of caring about others, somebody cares about me, even for just a moment in cyberspace! That matters to me! Though it might seem pathetic to others.
Father,
I am not surprised that you pulled out the "judge not" charge on me, but I am surprised at how fast you resorted to it. What's left now?
You said "I feel like shouting to the world, this is who I am." All well and good, but what I want to know is, what good is this doing?
Your comments about not needing forgiveness will be a red light for every good Christian that happens upon your blog. We all struggle, Father. This is nothing new. What is entirely novel is the idea that we do not need forgiveness. The office of the priesthood by its very existence presupposes the need for forgiveness as it was instituted by Christ to administer the sacrament of penance.
In your response you have finally revealed what I assume is the purpose of this blog (I'm glad you figured out just exactly what it was). You wish to share the inner thoughts and struggles of the priest, to reveal the man within.
There is no sarcasm intended here whatsoever, but we've known for years that priests were men, and that priests sin, and that priests have doubts. What upset us so much about priestly scandals was not just what the priests did (although it was reprehensible) but the way in which the hierarchy failed to react strongly and decisively. And by the way, I sympathize with priests who are shunned as a result of the scandals. It must feel horrible to be judged a pervert every time you smile at a child.
And for the record, I am not judging you. I am admonishing a brother out of charity. I hope that you will act in true charity as well and concern yourself with the salvation of souls, as it is fitting for priests to do.
"I am not surprised that you pulled out the "judge not" charge on me, but I am surprised at how fast you resorted to it. What's left now?"
What do you want me to say? You seem to have issues with this me keeping this journal. Why does it bother you so miuch. You could ignore it and me.
As for not needing forgiveness. The sacrament of penance is as much about forgiving ourselves for our own sins and weaknesses as it is about asking for Gods forgiven. I believe God has forgiven us even before the act of sinning. My spirituality is a liberal one.
And yes we have known for years that priests were men but we never hear the stories of these men until they are exposed in the newspapers as scandals or whatever. And then they are so one sided. I don't feel I do any great harm in telling some of my story here.
You write ... "And for the record, I am not judging you. I am admonishing a brother out of charity. I hope that you will act in true charity as well and concern yourself with the salvation of souls, as it is fitting for priests to do."
I concern myself with the salvation of souls everyday when I say mass or hear confessions or comfort somebody who comes to me. I'm charitable with my spirit and my time. I love my work as a priest and carry it out in a fitting way.
That I'm choosing to keep a journal online doesn't change any of that. Do you think I'm a bad priest because of it....
Dearest Brother in Christ, My heart goes out to you in full support of your truth. His Truth is IN you for sure. I feel, acknowledge and honor your right to BE.
You HAVE a lot of courage. You are NO coward my friend.
Blessings...Oh so MANY fortunate Blessings to you.
Stella
It's not clear whether you want a cozy cootage for ONE frisky friar and ONE naughty nun, or a larger place to accomodate MANY frisky friars and MANY naughty nuns. Or will it depend on the bottom line after the money is received and counted ?
Curious in Pennsylvania.
Father,
I truly enjoyed reading your blog. You touched my heart and it was truly something, to see into the man behind the collar. I hope you'll continue this blog someday, if it so moves you.
I might be a lapsed Catholic but the human faith in your words reminded me of all I loved about the faith I was raised in. Thank you, and thank you for sharing your personal, human self with us.
I'd give you a big hug if I could.
PS- If you're still around and still taking donations for your retirement home just send me an email please to let me know: talkingdirtyblog@gmail.com I'd love to contribute something, even if it is coming out of my Wages of Sin Tuition Fund!
Godel's theorem posits it is impossible to discover the full set of possible solutions for any problem because the boundary cannot be self-defined.
The honesty sought by blogger surfers cannot be found in anonymous blogs... The statement made without identity has nothing to fear as censure is impossible.
This priest may well be a bloody irish bartender who was an altar boy once with aspiration to priesthood.
There is no way to certify that the rather frequent appeals for donations in this site do not support a very wicked appetite.
A donation to the wind is money thrown away.
HIV medication is absurdly expensive.
Dear Father,
Greetings from Romania, land of the Catholic and Greek-Catholic martyrys! Although we would never dare intrude upon the life of a clergy-member, I write about sadness, lack of fulfillment, dryness in you inner life. The Church we hold true today (and its ideal of giving all to Christ) is what we've held true for 1000 of years...celibacy had proved itself a way of enabling specially called people to better respond to a complete relationship with Jesus. Yes, it is not for everyone. Yes, it is not for all who thinks themselves called to the priesthood. Yes, not everyone is called to be a priest.
Those who are are given a special perspective on dealing with common weaknesses, They are the ones who constantly have to make themselves say no. Come move to an Oriental country where all the clergy is married, and see how much they care about their cars and families, and how little they care about you, before you feel free to comment about the catholic church. Deua meum et Omnia!
Dear Father,
Greetings from Romania, land of the Catholic and Greek-Catholic martyrys! Although we would never dare intrude upon the life of a clergy-member, I write about sadness, lack of fulfillment, dryness in you inner life. The Church we hold true today (and its ideal of giving all to Christ) is what we've held true for 1000 of years...celibacy had proved itself a way of enabling specially called people to better respond to a complete relationship with Jesus. Yes, it is not for everyone. Yes, it is not for all who thinks themselves called to the priesthood. Yes, not everyone is called to be a priest.
Those who are are given a special perspective on dealing with common weaknesses, They are the ones who constantly have to make themselves say no. Come move to an Oriental country where all the clergy is married, and see how much they care about their cars and families, and how little they care about you, before you feel free to comment about the catholic church. Deua meum et Omnia!
There is every reason for you to be happy, Fr. Paul...your celibacy is not a burden but a great opportunity for you to fall in love with God.
Pope John Paul II, Padre Pio, Pope Paul VI, Josemaria Escriva, Alvaro del Portillo, Ignatius Loyola were all celibate --- and they discovered the [secret] path to union with God and love of God.
You might want to check out 'The three ages of the interior life' by Fr G. Lagrange here => http://www.christianperfection.info
There you get a very good idea of how a priest's spiritual life should go.
Remember -> fall in love with God, and all things will be put in their place.
You can email me on zenmaster59@gmail.com
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