Celibate through Cowardice or Committment

Got over my little hangups about whether I should or shouldn't write this blog. I'm definitely making far too much a deal of it in my own mind. Thing that strikes me most about my life is how predictable it has become and just how fast time seems to spin by. I'm beginning another academic year now. It has been ten years in total in this job and place and wow, really can't see where it has gone. Maybe I'm tiring of it a bit … is it too late to look for adventure. Where does a 63 year old priest seek adventure…I've been offered love and sex by a woman for the past eight years … a talented, attractive, spiritual and very creative woman but I haven't taken that path. Don't know whether it's because I'm too cowardly or because I genuinely am committed to celibacy. I try to tell her it's the latter. I do think that at my age, I'd never be up to the job. I've left it too late. Yes, I think it's cowardice/fear more than anything else. I She's an atheist and can accept but not understand why I commit to celibacy. When I met her, one of the first question she asked me was 'Am I celibate'. As blunt as an overused kitchen knife ! No, she's special and I struggle to treat her fairly, have slipped over the boundaries every now and again … but after nine years, she understands me. I do try to speak to her of my emotions but she has no idea whether I love her or not in any way other than friendship. Fact of the matter is, I do!

I read in another blog that Leonard Cohen, the poet/singer from the sixties, reckons that we can reach a state of grace whereby we become Love and once becoming love don't need to seek it out anymore …. Nice idea in theory but how practical to implement … maybe I've had moments of that during spiritual highs but I reckon it would be pretty difficult to sustain that ongoingly …